死んだ

｢ごめんね、でも大好き」

”I’m sorry, but I love you”

I saw that written on the back of a seat at school today. It was the type of room where you go to hear a speaker. I guess, a lecture hall. English is hard, I’ve been forgetting a lot (much to Masatoshi’s amusement, I believe)

But I saw that and realized there were all these little notes scrawled on the top of the desk in pencil, so you could only see them if the light hit them right, and on the backs of the bench/chair things, little love notes, gossip between friends, and but the first one I saw, there was something sowarm, but also so sad about it. A note to a boy in another school, who would never see it back there on the back of that bench , in sharpie for ever and ever.

それはロマンチックですね

12 days
i don't feel like i'm ready
fuckfuckfuckfuck

the only thing worth celebrating is accomplishment

i have a problem with
wanderlust

a need to travel that consumes the whole body

"You will be flogged for being right and flogged for being wrong, and it hurts both ways - but it doesn't hurt as much when you're right.
There are times, however - and this is one of them - when even being right feels wrong. What you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring rain on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison scum right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation."

-Hunter S. Thompson

my teeth hurt u_u


now that i'm done with school i'm not entirely sure what to do with my time. i'm leaving in two months and 12 days. i'll be eighteen in a month and 24 days.

i'm not worried about missing my family when i'm gone. it's my friend's that i'm going to have a hard time dealing without.

I'm trying to clean up my room, which is feeling like a slightly impossible task, but the cleaner it is in here the easier it is to actually get art done in here, since i like to work on the floor. so floor space is a must.

i keep forgetting to drink water, then i get dehydration headaches. i'm so smart. I really wish my teeth didn't hurt.



This is my favorite song to start the day with.

today is my last day of highschool ever

that's a little strange to think about.

So yesterday I was riding my bike down the sidewalk, because the street was a constructiony mess, and I had a cup of coffee in one hand (What can I say? I like to multi-task?) But there was a guy walking in front of me , and he moved over to the grass and did one of those sweepy hand motion continue ahead type things, and goes "I will defer to you, but only because your glasses are SO FUCKING GROOVY."
And I giggled and said thanks, and he goes "Promise me you'll never wear any glasses that are less groovy," And so I shout back, because I'm still riding my bike, and I'm like "PROMISE!" And So he yells "LIAR! SWEAR YOU'LL NEVER WEAR LESS GROOVY GLASSES." So I was like "I SWEAR" And then turned the corner. Haha. It was one of those little things that made my day a little bit better. And certainly more entertaining.

I have six more days of high school. Although, arguably that's not true, I'll be in High School next year in Japan. But I have six more days of ETHS. These last days have by far been the hardest, which I never would have expected. But that's life, isn't it? I'm pulling through, and prom is this weekend. By the end of tonight I should be done with everything except on project, which involves watching movies, so I'm not worried about that. For a while I thought I was going to burst.

It's 7:30 and I've been awake since about 5:40. I've done my hair, my makeup, gotten dressed, re-arranged my bag. Misplaced then found my keys. It's safe to say I'm bored.

I talked to the sweetest Korean boy last night. I feel weird saying that on my livejournal. But he got me over facebook chat, because I sent him a message saying I saw his art in the Academy's spring show. He was just really sweet. He's moving back to Korea on Friday. People were mean to him here. I don't understand people sometimes, it makes me sad.

So here's a strange / creepy / cool / frightening video for everyone.

"that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
because i can't wait much longer
i know i've got to be right now"


you said it kanye

edit:
looking at the entry below this makes me sad
but i'd never think of deleting it

It's been ten years since he died.
I didn't even know who he was when it happened, I was seven. And I can't think of many people who have left more of a life changing impact on me.

If it weren't for hide's music (and a bit of Miyavi too, can't leave him out) I wouldn't have followed through with this trip to Japan next year. I also wouldn't be licking this lemon. Which is making me happy.

thank you hide. we miss you more than words could express.

また春に会いましょう

Post with substance Ahoy!

So , time for a post with LOTS AND LOTS OF PICTURES. More pictures than you know what to do with.

First things first, second semester in AP Art all your pictures have to be on a certain focus, and mine has been "cities", and it's giving me a lot of trouble. Which surprised the shit out of me, because, shit, I live twenty minutes away from Chicago, the possibilities should be endless! I should have no problem figuring out what to photograph, but, well,
I'm bored with Chicago. I've been around this stuff for so long, and I'm so desperate to leave that shooting anything good was really difficult, so the other day I went to Chinatown and I said FUCK IT. My concentration is now on Asian Culture and the way it adapts itself to existing in an American context. And like, shit, this is something that has had a massive influence on me, with my sisters being adopted from China and all, so I shot a lot of pictures for that, and well, here are my favorite 12 of em

( Asian America )
So, those were my Asian-America series. What Ms. B had to say about them was that
- switching concentrations would be a cop out, even though people in my class had switched concentrations like 13 times already
- the pictures don't relate to asian culture in america, only asia. But, the last time I was in China, I couldn't see the Sears tower. Maybe it was just the haze....
-these photos are mediocre.

And well, some of these photos are NOT my best, but some of them are right up there with some of my best work, and anyway, it was just an idea for her to see where I'd be taking this. Also, what's driving me up a fucking wall is that Ms. B does not come from a photography background, at all, and while these pictures work as photos, they wouldn't work as paintings, and so Ms B says they do not work at all. She also thinks that photography is the slacker, cheating way, out of AP Art, but I'm sorry, I can't finish my projects at three in the morning the night before they're due, and I have to wait for exactly the right weather conditions outside. Film processing takes time, and I can only make my own black and white prints at school, and it's hard to get into the dark room. Not to mention, I'm here trying really hard to save up money for Japan next year, but instead I'm digging quarters out of the couch so I can get my film developed. And I'm not kidding, I go hunting around my house for change. I'm seriously fucking broke.
Then Ms. B offered to show me some art to help me get inspired on my work about "cities" so she showed me two paintings. Paintings = not helpful.

ANYWAY. Here are beautiful pictures from when I was in Japan. I've been meaning to post some for a while now.

( 日本 )
On that note I have a million things to do before Momoko gets here on Wednesday, including a lot of late school work for all my classes, and the quarter ends on Friday, so I'll leave you with.... hide




I really do love how blunt hide was about things. But at the same time, I really need to not listen to hide on school nights. He makes me want to drink. Really badly.

i miss being across the street from Lawson!

Oh Lawson, you were my best friend in Kyoto. Sort of. You probably made me gain five pounds, but my love for you is unconditional.

that is like, number three on "things i miss most about japan" list

I think I have snapped, I am writing LJ entries about convenience stores in Japan. Oh deeeear.

Hyde managed to express exactly how I'm feeling.










It's been so long, I should let go but I can't

    So a few nights ago I was listening to Gackt and making curry, and it really got me thinking about life... Except, not at all.  The combination of Gackt and curry-making isn't something that sends me into deep thoughts about life.  I just wanted to say that I was making curry and listening to Gackt the other night. 
But seriously, I was thinking a lot, yesterday, as I was walking around downtown Chicago listening to hide.   hide has always been what I listen to when I need a push in the right direction, unfortunatly he serves as a real reminder that life is way too short and can be ended before it's time with way too much ease.  My AP Tests are in like two months.  Two months is hardly any time.  I'm still debating whether or not to take the AP test for Japanese.  I don't know if I have the kind of time I would need to put into it.  Also, it's all done on a computer, which I find somewhat (very) intimidating.  But other than the Japanese AP exam, I have psych, and AP Art.   Art in a way, at this point is going to be the easiest.  I have a portfolio due, which isn't an especially difficult thing to do, since it's already more than halfway done, but naturally, me being me, I want to change a lot of things -  just about everything -  before I turn it in, as I want the best grade possible on it.  But we'll see what time lets me do to that.  The biggest problem right now is THAT I'M GOING TO FAIL AP PSYCH.  I AM GOING TO GET A 1 ON THE AP TEST.  A 1. I KNOW NOTHING.  other than the fact Mr. Walsh is allergic to chicken.  Two months is a very, very, very, short time.  I am graduating in three months, that however, I am not nervous about. I am anxious.  Can't come quickly enough, I've spent too much time in ETHS, I'm so ready to go.
And all of this means I'm off to Japan in five months.  five months. And I'll be there until next November (2009) probably.   I'm gonna miss my sisters so  bad.  I don't think I'll care about anything else.  Just my sisters.  They're gonna grow up so much while I'm gone, it's gonna be weird.  Maggie is gonna be like, 5.  That's such a huge difference from three.  I need to get my new passport, like, tomorrow. And the pattern for my prom dress, and the fabric. All of a sudden I feel so overwhelmed. 


I have a blister.

And Tai hasn't emailed me since I was in Japan.

YES
I AM ON A COMPUTER WITH JAPANESE INPUT
THANK GOD
笑

I had to write a haiku for class, 日本語で
It goes like
夏の雷
風が叫んだ
怖い歌！

いいじゃない。

怖い夢を見た。

ミルクコーコアがある！（'- ^)v
おいしい
好き！

I've been having the strangest dreams recently, but I never remember the little details.  They're all in Japan.  I'm  like, anxious to go back.  It's all I ever think about.  I have six months before I leave (almost exactly). I need to apply for a new passport, then get my visa, then work out where I'm going to be staying in Tokyo before the gap program, then make reservations at Higashiyama YH, because I'm dying to go back to Kyoto and go at my own pace (Not VK Speedy McGee's pace, and I wanna go to Gion during the daytime *angryface*)
Students from KJ are coming here sort of soon,  in a little over a month, and things like months usually go by so quickly, but recently everything feels so slow everything is just  dragging on slow as slow could be.  It's driving me insane.  I thought things were supposed to go super speedy and sneak up on you when you're a second semester senior? WHY ARE THEY GOING SO SLOW.  Unf.   I am having two students stay with me this year if VanKrey can't find enough hosts for them, because he said it's awkward to ask people from other classes to host Japanese kids, and they're first year students this year, so their English is not going to be 100% A+ but they're still better at English than I am at Japanese, I thinks.  

I'll clean my room up. To clear my head.  And also just because it's got awful messy.  
It's ridiculous, and I need it clean for when the KJ kids get here, and it will probably take me a whole month to get it clean u_u 
I don't know where to put all my art supplies, my mom is  saying I need to keep them out of the basement if I don't want them getting messed with (by my sisters), but I really don't have room in my room.  Room. Room. Room.  I should probably get my old desk out of my room, since I don't use it and it could pen up a lot of space to have it gone.  I could put some pillows on the floor for sitting on.  Pillows are nice. 

I hope that later today I will remember my dream, I know very well that it was in Japan, and there was alcohol. I think Tai was there. This is the extent of my memory of this dream. unf. 
-edit- I REMEMBER A PART
I was going to meet Tai's family, haha, I have no idea why.  And I was freaking out because I had a tattoo on my arm and I didn't want them to see it, because they'd think bad things about me , and I didn't know what to wear, because all I had was psychobilly/rockabilly clothes and I didn't wanna look like some punkass, and my hair was bleach blonde and I was freakin out. Haha. I remember that part so vividly now.  I was wearing a black pencil skirt, and red wooden heel pumps, and a red and white checkered-type shirt , and I had my hair pulled back in a pony tail , and it was long and everything.  Haha.  Also, I was in the Tokyo Rockabilly Club.  I just remember this, for a fact. Ha.Ha.


I need to get this computer supporting Japanese text, but more than that, I need my own [new] computer. 

私は日本であります。
I'm in Japaaaan. And it's cold. And that's all I've got to say.



suck on it